All That I Have
by cherry619
Summary: Tag to Abandon all Hope. Sam and Dean are both grieving but Dean's greif seem's to foreshadow Sam's pain. Limp Sam/Guilty protective Dean/ Helpful Bobby
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: **So this is a tag to abandon all hope with a twist, it's going to be roughly two chapters maybe three at the most. This has a big allusion as a guideline so if you're into English and know what that is good for you. I came up with this in my sleep and I hope you like it. The inspiration for it was a song by snow patrol called All that I have it's a very incredible song. The song is accredited to snow patrol. Thanx Charity

* * *

_Strain this chaos, turn it into light _

_I've got to see you one last night_

_Before the lions take their share _

_Leave us in pieces, scattered everywhere _

-----

Sitting on the ground in Bobby's salvage yard isn't the most comfortable of spots. Every now an again he would get rocks digging into his backside, ants crawling into his shoes, sand finding it's way into his socks, and the heat _oh the heat _it's unbearable. He can feel he's already sun burnt, the sweat dripping off him like ice-cream melts. He doesn't care though; he's been here since they had gotten back from Carthage.

Dean needed his space so he gave it to him, he knows all to well what a grieving Dean can turn into so he decided to just stay out of the way and let things be for once. He's a screw up anyway, it should have been him that died everyone else should of lived but him. Of course he can't die Lucifer said it himself, he could have been bluffing but he knew deep down he was stuck on this earth to watch all die around him while he stayed perfectly intact or…while they died by his hands. It made him sick to think about it to even chance upon the idea…6 months Lucifer made it clear. How long can a guy say yes? How long can you sit by and watch all your friends die while you stay perfectly healthy? Sam didn't know, he didn't want to know.

He let his head fall back onto the car he was leaning upon and didn't flinch as the hot metal burned his skin. It was hot there was no way to describe it, his clothes were sweat drenched and his face was burnt from the sun. Maybe this was what Hell was like, people quenching for thirst begging for it to end but knowing they deserve it. Or maybe it's just his mindset of the whole ordeal, his guilt eating away at him, cause god only knows it has been since the day he was born.

He knew going a whole day without something to drink would be disastrous but that's what happens when you cause the death of two more people no drinks for you today. He stared at the sun hoping it would create a better day a better world but even if the sun could miraculously do that he knew the sun couldn't penetrate through all his guilt. He tried though he tries so fucking hard to keep from screwing up but it always turns around on himself.

Dean has receded in on himself again becoming angry, distant and irrational. It's an all too familiar situation that he doesn't want to relive again but that's just Dean's way of dealing, it's the Winchester way of dealing with their problems. Suck it up and move on, well he can't suck it up he can't move on. How can he? He just killed two people, how can he move on from that? It was hard enough to move on from Jess and he's still not sure he even did.

Sam sighed and realized he wasn't sweating anymore the rivulets of water ceased. He looked down at his hands and noticed they were already sun burnt. How did I already burn on my hands? Oh well I deserve it anyway.

_Just give me a chance to hold on_

_Just give me something to hold onto _

_----_

Dean took another swig from the bottle he was drinking from. He didn't even know what the hell he was drinking he just grabbed something to give him a buzz. Cause he sure as hell needed one.

"Dean you've seen that brother of yours lately?" Dean looked up as he heard his name being called. What was the question anyway? Can't people just leave him the hell alone?

"Dean you hearing me?" Bobby yelled again as he wheeled his way toward where Dean was sitting. He was quietly watching Sam from afar and not liking what he was seeing.

"Can you not speak so loud?" Dean winced as he noted the pounding in his head but it wasn't from the alcohol.

"Can I not speak so loud? What the hell is wrong with you?" Bobby watched carefully as Dean rubbed at his temples trying to alleviate the pain. He knows all to well the signs of permanent pain that's been their for ages that will never go away.

"Is there an echo in here?" Dean chuckled to himself then went on. "What do you mean anyway can't a man have a God damn drink, geez." Dean scoffed as he attempted to rise to go someplace else _anyplace _else to getaway from the impending lecture ahead.

"That's the problem Dean!" Bobby grumbled as he wheeled in front of Dean's retreating form. "Doesn't this scene look all too familiar?"

"I have no clue what you're talking about?" Dean retorted as he realized that Bobby became quite handy with that wheelchair. He was seized in a corner if he attempted to escape he it would only result in knocking Bobby over. _Don't need another injury on my guilt trip today._

"Your acting just like you did after your Dad died. You're distant, angry, even drunk. You won't talk to anyone."

Dean's eyebrows narrowed as his fist clenched this so wasn't the time to be having this discussion. "I have every reason to be!" He yelled back, his jaw clenching painfully.

"Given you do, but did you stop to think about Sam?" Bobby softened his voice as he noticed this was still a touchy subject. When Dean's grieving he shut's every one out, and that was always bad when Sam was concerned.

"Sam's a big boy he can take care of himself." Dean reminded, sure Sam was grieving somewhere as he was but Sam doesn't understand same thing with how Dad died Sam still didn't understand. Yet he expects everything to be ok again and to make things right?

"Is the alcohol killing off brain cells or have you've not learned your lesson?" Bobby yelled. When was he going to get it into his thick skull that Sam needed him, that everyone has pains and losses too?

"What the hell are you talking about?" Dean defended as he squeezed past Bobby's chair finally heading back to the table to get another drink.

"What am I talking about?" Bobby growled.

"There's that echo again." Dean muttered under his breath.

Angered at the response he wheeled quickly over to the table to knock the bottle onto the floor before Dean could reach it.

"Hey!"

"Look at yourself; you're a wreck all because someone died in the line of duty. There's something else going on in your head and you better spill it before I spill your brains on this God damn floor." Bobby demanded as Dean just sank down into a chair and buried his head into his hands.

"Dean come on boy you can tell me what's going on." He said softly as he heard the sobs emitting from Dean's body.

"You don't understand, Sam doesn't understand." He gave a pained smile as he brought his head up. "What's dead should stay dead, right?" He chuckled at Bobby's shocked face. He hadn't brought that argument up in God knows how long but he's been musing on it since he got out of Hell that's for sure.

"Don't you see if Dad wasn't being a selfish bastard in the hospital and just let me go none of this I mean **none **of it would have happened. Sam wouldn't of died, no Lucifer, no angels none of it." He cried silently as Bobby shut his mouth and set it into a look of concern.

"Is this what this whole thing is about?" Bobby asked shocked. Dean was musing on this for quite some time and it took Jo and Ellen dying for it to burst at the seems.

"Its always been about _that_, I think about it every day Bobby."

"Dean I know this sounds rash and corny but everything happens for a reason." Bobby tried to explain. "Things happen for a reason and you were meant to be with your brother your Dad wasn't. You are what your brother needs to survive."

"I just…I can't help but wonder what life would have been like f I did die in that hospital." Dean whispered as he soaked in Bobby's words. _You are what your brother needs to survive. _Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't but as long as he had a beating heart he had too make sure Sam remained at his side. _I'll be dammed if Lucifer get's to him._

"You don't want to know Dean I don't think it'd be pleasant." Bobby joked thinking of

many fights and two stubborn mules left alone to bitch an argue over what too eat.

"Yeah I don't think so either." Dean continued on with the joke as he searched around for his brother. Speaking of which where is he? He hasn't seen Sam all day, was he that wrapped up in his grief? More guilt ate away at him as he frantically did an eye search of the house.

"Calm down Dean Sam's sitting outside." Bobby spoke up when he saw Dean searching frantically for the younger hunter.

Dean expelled a breath and mouthed 'thanks' as he made his way to the door to have a talk with Sam.

_It's so clear now that you are all that I have _

_I have no fear 'cause you are all that I have _

_You're cinematic, razor sharp _

_A welcome arrow through the heart_

_Under your skin feels like home_

_Electric shocks on aching bones _

_----_

Sam awoke to heat blaring into his skin penetrating his bones. Oh God he must be in Hell this must be Hell. He knew it was coming but not so soon. The air was getting shorter as he struggled to breathe; his mouth was so dry and so was the rest of his body…dry. He didn't even have anymore liquids to sweat out. His eyes caught sight of a man in the distance watching him it made him shiver. "Who are you?" He called out but his voice sounded like sandpaper.

The man walked closer and closer coming to a stop right in front of him his shadow shielding him from the heat for just a moment's peace. He looked up to the face and instantly recognized him…Lucifer. "No, no, no, no." He repeated as he tried to scoot away but he was depleted of energy. He was in hell with Lucifer and he couldn't get away, he couldn't even cry as he had no tears to cry.

He heard his name shouted in the distance but all he saw was Lucifer stroking his hair affectionately and that lulled him into a deep slumber as he passed out in the fiery throws of Hell.

_Give me a chance to hold on _

_Give me a chance to hold on _

_Give me a chance to hold on _

_Just give me something to hold onto _

* * *

**Recently revised so all boo boo's and errors are fixed. I think….**


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: **Here's the last chapter it was a short tag that had limp Sam so how can ya not like that. Plus some humor because I always enjoy doing humor. I hope you enjoyed. Song accredited to snow patrol. Oh and one more thing no beta all mistakes are mine. So I know I have boo boos' here and their believe me.

* * *

_It's so clear now that you are all that I have _

_I have no fear 'cause you are all that I have _

_It's so clear now that you are all that I have _

_I have no fear 'cause you are all that I have _

_----_

Dean stepped out into the open air and winced as the sun hit him full force. How long had the kid been sitting out here anyway? It didn't take long to find Sam because he was asleep on the ground. He cursed silently because he had no friggin' clue how long Sam had been out here to begin with. "Sammy." He called out as he watched his brother blink his eyes open slowly, shielding away from the sun. Alright definitely time to go inside and cool down.

He stepped forward and was about to call his name out again but Sam started to stare off into the distance focusing on something he couldn't see. "Sam what are you doing?" He asked worried at his brother's strange behavior.

"Who are you?"

He froze as he heard the question asked but it wasn't asked to him. What the hell is wrong with Sam? "Sam what are you talking about?" He tried again but Sam began to scoot away as if trying to get away from something but he had no energy to do so but watch in shock at what he didn't know.

"No, no, no, no."

He watched in horror as Sam's body tumbled to the side hitting the dirt. "Sammy!" He yelled spurring into action as he skidded next to his limp body. He turned him over and pulled him up onto his lap shielding him from the hot sun as he began an assessment. Sam's face was burnt red as were his hands and forearms. His face was dry of all sweat, his shirt was soaked but he guessed it was from previous amounts of sweat. He felt sick as he realized what was wrong. Sam wasn't just going loony he was hallucinating. That was a sure sign of one thing…heat stroke. _Sam passed out from a heat stroke because you were in there drinking your pains away. _He swallowed some of the alcohol down as it threatened to emerge it made him physically sick that while he was in there getting wasted Sam sat out here in the hot sun till he literally passed out.

"It'll be ok." He promised as he swiped away Sam's bangs. Maybe things weren't ok at the moment but he had a job to do.

Ok first thing's first I got to get his temperature down. Dean then tugged Sam's non-compliant body up with him as he slung him over his shoulder. "Thank God Sam decided to sit in front of the house." He prayed silently to himself.

He burst through the doors as Bobby wheeled over to him quickly.

"What happened?"

"He passed out from the heat; we need to get his temperature down now!" He commanded as he laid Sam down on the couch and began stripping him of all clothes _except _his boxers. "Sorry Sammy you'll thank me later."

"I got the water ready Dean."

"Alright!" He yelled back as he picked Sam up again slinging him on his shoulder. He dashed into the bathroom almost hitting Sam's head on impending objects along the way. He saw that Bobby had the water all ready so he settled Sam into the luke-warm water.

"No co…cold." Sam stuttered out.

Dean bent down as Bobby handed him a wash cloth. "Shhh its ok it'll feel better soon." He cooed as Sam's struggle to get out lessened and he settled letting the water cool his fevered skin. He drug the wash cloth along his chest and rung it out over his face getting a grimace of discomfort from Sam. He sighed in relief as he realized it had been too close.

"How's he doing?" Bobby asked as he was wheeling his arms exhausted. The things you do for family.

"Better the fever's going down drastically." He stated as he felt Sam's forehead although still hot it wasn't as hot as he felt outside. _He made it in time. _The finality of the words hit hard, if he would have had one more shot or one more beer Sam could have possibly died outside in a haze of hallucinated dreams. Though he never did check Sam's temperature before he knew it must have been pushing 100 or more he got there on time, he saved Sam. He stared at the limp body in the tub and really stopped to think of how radically different his perspectives are from Sam. Sam has a right to grieve just like he did though he doesn't agree with the choice of his actions he see's the reasoning behind them. _It's brining up so many memories right after dad died. _He thought to himself as he remembered the many night's he would drink till he made himself sick and he had no clue where Sam was and back then he had no care. Hell while he was drinking earlier he had no care where Sam was. _Had he receded that much? _He sighed as he continued to drag the wash cloth across Sam's fevered body.

"I think you can take him out now."

Bobby's voice shook him out of a daze as he stopped cooling Sam down with the rag. _Boy was he glad Bobby was here or have been a wreck…hell he already is._

"Alright Sammy time to get out." He said softly as he pulled gently at his arm to elevate him enough so he can hook his arm behind his back. He put both hands beneath Sam's armpits as he hefted him up. He listened to the water drain and thanked Bobby was there to guide him.

"Here Dean."

He looked around to see a towel and he gradually took it and reminded himself to worship Bobby like a king. He tried his best to dry Sam off with one hand since it's hard enough balancing a 200 plus pound brother. Sam was no where near coherent to help or hear the quiet words of comfort and forgiveness but he needed to ask he needed to beg forgiveness.

He looked around again as he spotted what he was looking for a fresh new pair of boxers. "Boy am I gonna have blackmail on you." His quip died on his lips as he starred at Sam's limp body in his hands. How could I have let this happen?

He quickly slipped the old pair off and put the new one on as Sam began slipping down back into the tub he hadn't even removed him from yet. "Whoa no more baths for you pal." He quickly caught him as he dragged him out of the tub and did the normal regime of slinging him over his shoulder.

He walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom they were sharing. He saw Bobby already had everything ready even down to the ice-packs. Damn that man is a God.

He gently laid Sam down in the bed as he began positioning the ice-packs in various places. He pulled the cover up and fell back onto the chair that magically got put their.

"How?" He asked as he leaned into the comfortable upholstery.

"I'm legless not helpless. Anyway you did all you could do, Sam's temperature should come down in an hour or so." Bobby quickly added as he saw Dean look at Sam guiltily.

"I know, but I mean damn it Bobby you were right."

"When am I never right?" He joked but quieted as Dean shot him daggers. "Ok I was right and you were wrong but we all make mistakes Dean it's what makes us human. I'm as much at fault as you are. I saw Sam sitting out their a while ago I should have ordered him to get his ass inside."

"I shouldn't make mistakes where Sam is concerned though. I should be better, if I'm alive for one reason and that one reason only is too keep Sam safe then why am I screwing up so much?" Dean yelled as he stood again, he dropped his earlier thoughts but this happening had raised them to the extreme. He never thought this hard on something before he never pondered 'what if's' so much.

"I…" Bobby stopped as he watched Sam begin to stir in sleep probably from the yelling. He thanked Dean's loud mouth as he didn't want to answer that he didn't have an answer. He wasn't the one that could tell Dean it was going to be all better that was Sam's gig.

"Sammy." Dean quickly quieted as he went to his brother and felt his forehead relived that it was now just warm. They were under the radar it wasn't as serious a situation as it was before. "You with me?" He asked as Sam turned in his sleep.

"Hot, Hell, Luc'fr." Sam mumbled as he tried to get away from Lucifer but he was trapped he had a hold of his hand.

"Sammy you're just dreaming open your eyes." He said horror stricken. Who knew three words mumbled out of your brother's mouth can send you into a spiral of fear?

Sam's eyes popped open as he started to breathe heavy, trying to vain to get his hand back.

"Sammy calm down it's just me. Just breathe Sam, breathe." He coached as Sam started to hyperventilate.

"Dean?" Sam asked but winced as his voice sounded terrible. What happened? Was Dean in Hell again too?

"Yeah, Sam you moron you passed out from heat stroke. What were you thinking sitting out there in the hot sun?" He interrogated as Sam gave him a perplexed look.

"Heat stroke?" Wasn't he suppose to be in Hell? Wait heatstroke, people hallucinate from heatstroke. So all of that had been a hallucination. Just a dream, a dream.

"Yeah heat stroke. Why the hell did you sit out there all day?" Dean asked as Sam began to calm down his breathing evening. Should I say something like you scared me to death? Or I'm sorry I didn't protect you? He didn't even know the right words to say, to tell the truth there probably were none. There wasn't even anything he could say to make this right not in his mind anyway. This incident wouldn't be going away for a long time, of course it's going to get buried pretty quickly out of our normal conversations but in the my mind it's getting stored up there for awhile till I finally learn to get things right.

"I'm sorry." He blurted out before Sam had a chance to respond. Better to get it over with then get caught up on it later. That's one lesson I at least learned pretty damn well. "I know I've been an ass lately and for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you need." A lone tear escaped as his quickly wiped it away.

"What? You're sorry, why are you apologizing?" Sam asked in confusion. Didn't Dean know he screwed up; he was the one that killed two innocent people.

"I just told you why dumbass, are you going deaf on me." Dean joked as Sam continued to stare at him like he had two heads. Ok best if we change the subject before Sam asked more questions. "Sam you thirsty, I'm sure you are?"

"Sure." He replied as he noted Dean's tactic of quickly changing the subject. Why was Dean apologizing? Yeah he heard but it doesn't make any sense, doesn't starting the apocalypse ring any bells.

_There is a darkness deep in you_

_A frightening magic I cling to _

_----_

Bobby watched the two from afar and was happy that Sam was ok and talking he gave them both a good scare. He also was mad that dumb and dumber didn't realize that each one was blaming themselves for the events that went down. So when Dean tried to apologize Sam looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He really wanted to smack the tar out of both and make them see but it's something they had to do on their own. "Damn idgits." He muttered to himself as he wheeled into his room.

_Give me a chance to hold on _

_Give me a chance to hold on_

_Give me a chance to hold on_

_Just give me something to hold onto _

_----_

The early morning rose fast as it hit Dean in the eyes he turned over trying to cover his eyes but quickly bobbed his head up as he remembered the previous day's events.

"Sam?" He questioned as he looked at the other bed noticing it was empty. "Sammy?"

He began to panic as his voice rose. He hopped out of bed and went to the bathroom and pounded on the door. "Sam you in there?"

"Yes I'll be out in a minute, geez."

"It's ok just checking." He sighed as he trudged into the kitchen finding Bobby reading the paper.

"Sleep well princess." Bobby teased as he could see the worry lines still there.

"Bite me."

"I'll take that as a no. So how's Sam?" Bobby asked as he read boring articles in the paper.

"Don't know yet haven't seen him with my own two eyes." He retorted as he smelled the coffee brewing. He heard the creak of the bathroom door open and the familiar shuffle of his brother's footsteps.

"Good morning." Sam said as he made his way into the kitchen his hair dripping wet.

"Why are you such a ball of sunshine all of the sudden?" Dean asked suddenly as Sam's smiley face greeted him instead of the gloomy brooding face he normally got. He also looked a lot better; his face wasn't flushed with fever it held something better…sun burn. He grinned at the torment.

"Nothing just saying good morning would you rather the phrase fuck off instead." Sam grumbled back as he poured himself a cup of coffee wincing as moving his hands hurt to due to sun burn. His forearms were still sore as well. It even hurt to smile, to just clench his jaw hurt. In reality this sucked.

"Sorry I asked but I prefer good morning just to let you know." Dean joked as he took a sip of coffee.

"Why are you so quiet Bobby?"

"Just enjoying the show is all." Bobby smiled as he knew this is how this would stay they wouldn't let each other know their true feelings. He couldn't tell them either because well because they had too figure it out. They had to grow up and learn these things they had to get back into synch.

"Hey Sam." Dean asked as Sam sat down in the chair trying to get comfortable.

"Yeah?" Sam grimily replied as each tug of his mouth hurt.

"Look on the Brightside you'll have a killer tan after you start to peel." Dean smiled as Sam began to frown but quickly regretted it as it aggravated is sun burn.

"You know I hate you."

"I love you too." Dean smiled as Sam began to smile but instantly regretted it as it tugged at the sunburn around his mouth. Though nothing was said he felt like it opened up new doors for himself and Sam. It sure taught him one hell of a lesson. Never leave Sam out in the sun because he'll get a killer tan and leave older brother looking like a ghost. He smiled to himself as he looked over at his sibling. _This is how it's suppose to be Sammy you an me against the world even if it's the sun. _

_It's so clear now that you are all that I have_

_I have no fear now you are all that I have_

_It's so clear now that you are all that I have_

_I have no fear now you are all that I have_

_All that I have by Snow Patrol _

* * *

**Recently revised all boo boo's and errors fixed. I think….**

**Revision-2/19/10**


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